Overcoming The Addiction

By Kerry Roche

I can already see the sorrow and wisdom lining your face, I hope I’m not too late. If only you’d known before you got so involved you might have been able to nip the whole thing in the bud. But you’ve had your taste and now you’re not giving up, can’t give up, couldn’t even if you wanted to. 

That taste, the tiny nibble that you can’t forget. It teases you from the corners of your mind, driving you mad with its fleeting glimpses of victory, of honour, of glory. Lap records, State records, hell even National Titles, pale in comparison. You are driven by a reckless overpowering need: a quest for perfection. An all consuming desire threatening to swallow you whole. “No guts, No glory” you whisper, too weakly, to yourself. You try again, “Go hard or Go home”, well you’re not fooling yourself but it might work on others. 

You start to falter but the lines of your race machine become clear in your mind. You know you’re doing this as much for her as yourself – maybe more. The quest is intense – often seemingly futile – but continue you must though it has been a long and arduous journey with little reward.  Your few promising leads have led only to dead ends...and dead heads. Who would have thought it could be so hard, so unrelenting? On the surface the mission did not appear so incredibly difficult but as the months wore on and fatigue set in you realised the true nature of the challenge. It has become an almost impossible dream, an obsession sapping your physical and emotional strength.

 You fight against giving in but finally must succumb to the awful truth. There just aren’t any good looking, good loving unattached no fear guys out there who can back a trailer like a pro, mix race fuel with precision and style, change a wheel in under six, deal calmly and lovingly with temperamental race days, look suitably sorrowful when you realise half way down the first straight that the fuel aint turned on but can watch you lose it big time and keep grinning, and dine out somewhere intimate afterward totally comfortable with you in your race gear and grime while he discusses your next porting job. The truth hurts doesn’t it? You’re left with the pain and realisation that you’re going to have to do the hard yards yourself and build your own model from factory up – unless you’re lucky to find something fully optioned to work with. Either way, a few minor mods, personal preference adjustments, a bit of effort and some elbow grease should have you leading ‘em home in style in no time.All you have to remember are a few basic high school concepts, like Pavlov and his dog – bell ringing means we bail (or he salivates). The theory of relativity – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (you piss me off, I’ll let you know). And the favourite of the KGB and parents everywhere – tell someone something ten times and they’ll believe it. Very useful to remember whilst discussing how important it is that he learn to crew every race because you just can’t trust anyone else near your machine. And until he progresses to that level handing you drinks in the pits is a very important skill to learn, thank you very much.Okay you have your basic brainwashing technique, now get out there find a practice model and use it. Someone to metamorphose from man to the most highly evolved male of the species – Mr Racerchick.  Once you have procured your experimental subject use your newly acquired skills to teach him the following Mr Racerchick Commandments:

1. Thou shalt greatly honour, respect and worship thy Racerchick and give thanks daily that she remembers your name and relationship to her.

2. Thou shall ignore all egos other than Racerchick’s3. Thou shall worship no other racerchick than your own

4. Thou shalt plan all activities (including life threatening emergencies) around Racerchick’s incredibly complex race schedules5. Thou shalt be able to fully strip and rebuild Racerchick’s baby in Guiness Record time.6. Thou shalt be able to recite Racerchick’s fuel recipes, gear ratios, compression ratios and power/weight ratios in thoust sleep.7. Thou shalt happily lift, push and otherwise manhandle Racerchick’s machine as required.8. Thou shalt refrain from making any idiotic comments during inappropriate intervals (especially when Racerchick has forgotten to turn on the fuel.)

9. Though shalt attain proficiency in all forms of muscle and bone manipulation and be able to snowball a doctor into authorising hospital release at 100 yards.

10. Thou shalt do nothing right on race days and thou willst gravely heed all Racerchick’s abuse as that is the true road to poll position on the grid of enlightenment.Good Luck.

Ends. 

( c)K.A. Roche 2001. All Rights Reserved.

Kerry Roche, a super racerchick from Down Under and our new Australian correspondent. A self confessed car enthusiast with a passion for speed - we welcome her insight & knowledge and look forward to hearing her adventures in racing.